Today has been one of the greatest days in a long time and even though nothing particularly exciting happened, I feel like I’ve got to post about it. Yesterday, before I went to sleep, I was actually sort of dreading today since I’d had quite a busy week already and honestly wanted nothing more than to have a quiet day at home, but since I had an appointment at the Apple Store at the other end of the city to get my phone fixed, there was no way out of it. I’d also agreed to meet a friend afterwards, which I was of course looking forward to, but also quite overwhelmed with since I felt like I’d already had a little too much socialising the days before and admittedly just really needed some alone-time to “recover”.
Nevertheless, I got up early, made my way to the train station, managed to start crying over a book on public transport for the 4th time (“This one is not gonna be as bad, I’m sure I’ll be able to hold back my tears”) and, frankly, didn’t have the best start to the day. After arriving at the shopping centre, I additionally had to deal with crowds of noisy people all around me and, to make it worse, ended up running around in a circle two times because my orientation skills are rubbish. Somehow I still found the Apple Store eventually, handed in my phone for repair and was told to come back two hours later.
Glad to escape the noise and busy clamour around me, I made my way to my favourite park, which instantly made me feel incredibly calm. I settled down on one of the canopy swings, continued reading my book and occasionally looked up and across the pond in front of me to watch the ducks and swans swim around. When I felt a fresh breeze that smelt distinctly of spring brush my face, I first thought that this day might not turn out to be too bad after all.
Once I had left the peaceful atmosphere of the park to pick up my phone and had once again gotten lost in the shopping centre, it was now time to meet my friend. After having a stroll around a few of the shops, we decided to go to the park again and, while looking for a nice spot to sit down, discovered the probably prettiest tree in the entire world. Naturally (get it? cause we were outside in nature? hah!), we let ourselves fall into the green grass and started making daisy chains while singing along to Panic! At The Disco songs. Suddenly, I felt very aware of the fact that, in this moment, I was truly happy. I know that most people won’t really be able to relate to this, but this feeling of being somewhere public and socialising, especially after an already eventful week, without feeling any sort of anxiety and being content in the situation instead of thinking about how much easier it’d be to be alone in the safety of my room, was honestly wonderful.
The day got even better when we went to a cute little cafe and discovered some record stores and a comic book shop on our way, but I guess the point I’m trying to make by telling you all this is, that, even though you might feel like your mental illness is gonna determine every day of your life forever, it’s probably not gonna be like that. A couple of weeks ago, I honestly thought my anxiety would only get worse and worse with each day, and it did for a while, but although it seemed impossible at the time, I’m fine now. It’s obviously not gone and there will probably be other times when it’ll hit me really hard again, we all know that mental illnesses don’t “heal” linearly. But during the past few weeks, I’ve started feeling more and more relaxed, even had a few days where I completely forgot about my anxiety.
I totally understand if you hate this sentence, because so do I, but it will get better. And maybe it’ll get worse after that, but without you realising, the good phases will hopefully get longer and the bad ones shorter.
I’m sorry that this turned out to be so weird and messy, but although I’m not making much sense and this is obviously quite a personal topic not everyone will be able to make use of, I felt like sharing it might be helpful because I imagine it could’ve comforted me a little bit to read about an experience like this when I was going through a difficult time myself. Anyways, I hope you’re all well and are having a nice day as well. Talk to you soon! x