This Is Goodbye (Short Story)

It’s surreal standing next to her grave, almost like I’m dreaming.
I used to have bad dreams nearly every night, I’d wake up kicking and screaming and it took minutes of desperately clinging onto my blanket with sweat running down my face and tears falling from my fever-bright eyes until I was able to catch my breath again.
But this is different. This is not a nightmare, because that would mean that I’d still be feeling something, and that there’ll be some kind of relief when I wake up.
This is more like one of those rare dreams that you forget instantly, but that leave you with a strange, undefinable uneasiness for the entire day. Dreams that make you feel like you’re floating through never-ending nothingness with your heart heavy in your chest, seemingly pulling you down. Dreams that make everything around you seem completely illusive, even after you wake up.
I’m still waiting for the moment when it hits me, so I can finally feel the pain that I know is sealed inside me. But so far, there has been nothing but suffocating numbness.

I’m surrounded by people, most of them Drew’s family members whom we always railed and giggled about whenever she took me to one of their family gatherings, some friends and a few people who knew her from school. It’s weird to think that she, the person that connects all of us, is the only one missing.
I picture her standing beside me and try to think about what she’d make of all of this. I almost have to hide a smile envisioning all the sarcastic comments she’d make about how pretentious people at funerals are and how at least one person is probably holding in a fart right now.
I’m pretty sure she’d resent most of this ceremony. There are dozens of flower arrangements cautiously draped on the still fresh earth below her tombstone, but Drew has always disliked flowers because they reminded her that even the most beautiful things wither and die eventually. And how right she was.

A pianist is playing the first few chimes of yet another atrabilious anthem and I feel my body convulse at the thought of how wrong this all seems. Being here in the first place. Staring at Drew’s tomb together with at least 150 other people, only half of which have ever spoken to her much longer than for a few seconds at a time. Listening to this depressing hymn in commemoration to my best friend when a Green Day song would have been the only suitable tribute to her.

As I feel more sadness well up inside me and reach into my pocket for another tissue, I feel something round and smooth against my hand. Pulling it out, I realise it’s one of the apples Drew and I packed for the picnic we had on the meadow near her house only a week ago, just one day before the car crash that changed everything.

Suddenly, I know I have to leave. I turn around and head straight for the gate of the cemetery, walk right out and start running. It seems almost fallacious to feel my heart racing and my lungs panting for air, to feel so alive when she is not anymore.
Drew was always so vibrant and buoyant and probably more in love with life than anyone else I’ve ever met, which made the fact that she out of all people had to leave this world at only 17 even more preposterous.
Why her? I’ve spent most of the past few days asking myself the same question over and over again, but the only answer I found was that there is none. Drew often used to say that things rarely make sense cause we live in a ridiculously coincidental world and I never used to agree, but maybe she wasn’t so wrong after all.

I can already see the meadow in the distance now and start sprinting down the road even faster until I finally reach it and let myself fall down onto the grass at the same spot the two of us sat on about this time last week.
It’s odd to see how nothing seems to have changed here since then and how peaceful this place still is, when my entire world has fallen into pieces after the last time I was here.
The day of the picnic seems like an eternity away now, the memories already becoming blurry and vague, regardless of how much I try to hold on to them.
As much as it scares me, I know that the treasured memories of my best friend will fade all the same. Remembering the sound of her voice will get harder and harder with each day that she’s gone and I might not be able to picture her face in a few years time. But as I begin to dig a hole in the ground with my hands, I promise myself to always keep her in my heart.
Once it’s deep enough, I take one last look at the apple, which is already a bit squished and covered with brown patches, before I carefully put it into the hole and cover it with earth.

An almost placid sadness overcomes me as I look upon the meadow, recount the many happy reminiscences we shared here and mourn the ones we could have had if Drew could’ve stayed a little longer, if we had been given only a little bit more time.
Wistfully, I eventually stand up and make my way home, still crying at her loss, but feeling incredibly grateful at the same time. Grateful that Drew, the best friend I ever had and ever will have, has been part of this world and will keep being one, albeit in a different sense.
She will keep on living. Not only in my memories, but also in the tiny tree that will hopefully sprout at this exact spot next spring. And although I’ve never believed in heaven or life after death, I find myself wondering whether she’ll be able to watch it grow.

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A Day In The Park

Today has been one of the greatest days in a long time and even though nothing particularly exciting happened, I feel like I’ve got to post about it. Yesterday, before I went to sleep, I was actually sort of dreading today since I’d had quite a busy week already and honestly wanted nothing more than to have a quiet day at home, but since I had an appointment at the Apple Store at the other end of the city to get my phone fixed, there was no way out of it. I’d also agreed to meet a friend afterwards, which I was of course looking forward to, but also quite overwhelmed with since I felt like I’d already had a little too much socialising the days before and admittedly just really needed some alone-time to “recover”.

Nevertheless, I got up early, made my way to the train station, managed to start crying over a book on public transport for the 4th time (“This one is not gonna be as bad, I’m sure I’ll be able to hold back my tears”) and, frankly, didn’t have the best start to the day. After arriving at the shopping centre, I additionally had to deal with crowds of noisy people all around me and, to make it worse, ended up running around in a circle two times because my orientation skills are rubbish. Somehow I still found the Apple Store eventually, handed in my phone for repair and was told to come back two hours later.

Glad to escape the noise and busy clamour around me, I made my way to my favourite park, which instantly made me feel incredibly calm. I settled down on one of the canopy swings, continued reading my book and occasionally looked up and across the pond in front of me to watch the ducks and swans swim around. When I felt a fresh breeze that smelt distinctly of spring brush my face, I first thought that this day might not turn out to be too bad after all.

Once I had left the peaceful atmosphere of the park to pick up my phone and had once again gotten lost in the shopping centre, it was now time to meet my friend. After having a stroll around a few of the shops, we decided to go to the park again and, while looking for a nice spot to sit down, discovered the probably prettiest tree in the entire world. Naturally (get it? cause we were outside in nature? hah!), we let ourselves fall into the green grass and started making daisy chains while singing along to Panic! At The Disco songs. Suddenly, I felt very aware of the fact that, in this moment, I was truly happy. I know that most people won’t really be able to relate to this, but this feeling of being somewhere public and socialising, especially after an already eventful week, without feeling any sort of anxiety and being content in the situation instead of thinking about how much easier it’d be to be alone in the safety of my room, was honestly wonderful.

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The day got even better when we went to a cute little cafe and discovered some record stores and a comic book shop on our way, but I guess the point I’m trying to make by telling you all this is, that, even though you might feel like your mental illness is gonna determine every day of your life forever, it’s probably not gonna be like that. A couple of weeks ago, I honestly thought my anxiety would only get worse and worse with each day, and it did for a while, but although it seemed impossible at the time, I’m fine now. It’s obviously not gone and there will probably be other times when it’ll hit me really hard again, we all know that mental illnesses don’t “heal” linearly. But during the past few weeks, I’ve started feeling more and more relaxed, even had a few days where I completely forgot about my anxiety.

I totally understand if you hate this sentence, because so do I, but it will get better. And maybe it’ll get worse after that, but without you realising, the good phases will hopefully get longer and the bad ones shorter.

I’m sorry that this turned out to be so weird and messy, but although I’m not making much sense and this is obviously quite a personal topic not everyone will be able to make use of, I felt like sharing it might be helpful because I imagine it could’ve comforted me a little bit to read about an experience like this when I was going through a difficult time myself. Anyways, I hope you’re all well and are having a nice day as well. Talk to you soon! x

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Love on Movie Screens (Short Story)

Paige had always believed in love like it was pictured in movies.
Just after her 12th birthday, she was first allowed to go to the cinema without her parents and from that day on, she had spent almost every weekend there, spending every pound of her pocket money on tickets to see as many films as she possibly could. At first, she used to take her friends with her, but they soon got bored and started to protest when Paige dragged them into the same cheesy love movie for the third or forth or fifth time. That’s why she began going to the movies on her own, at first feeling a bit awkward about not having any company, but soon enjoying to watch films without being distracted. At 15, Paige was already spending more time at the movie theatre than at her parent’s house, the staff greeting her like a sister, giving her free snacks with every ticket and chatting to her for at least two hours each day. As much as she loved being with her mum and dad, they had become her second family and the little movie theatre with the small entrance hall, plushy red seats, big posters and the familiar smell of popcorn felt more like home than the house she lived in.

Even when Paige wasn’t at the cinema, her mind was always occupied with the film she had last seen, recounting the details of every dialogue or conversation, thinking about her favourite characters, imagining alternate endings and making up new storylines. People were worrying about her, saying that Paige had lost track of reality, that she always had her head in the clouds. And it was true, she was constantly dreaming, mostly of love and how much she wanted to find it. More often than not, Paige felt lonely in her group of friends, misunderstood, and longed for someone who’d truly understand her, someone who’d make her feel like she belonged.
To her, love was the ultimate purpose of life, the one thing that would make everything else seem small and insignificant, that would bring her endless happiness. And she was determined to find it.

Nevertheless, it came as a surprise when it first hit her only a few days after she had turned 16.
She met Nick at a friend’s party and at the beginning, it really was like in the movies. There had immediately been a spark between the two of them when they had looked at each other across the room that day and after exchanging a few shy smiles, Nick had taken up the courage to talk to her. Their conversation was like nothing Paige had experienced before, from the first sentence on, Nick and her just clicked. There was no need for smalltalk or awkward silences, nothing had ever been as easy yet fascinating as speaking to him. At some point, he asked her whether she wanted to go to the beach to chat some more and while they sat on the cold sand only comforted by the warmth of each other’s bodies and talked for hours, she noticed how his eyes had the same colour as the ocean. The sea had never seemed more beautiful.

When he walked her home and kissed her goodbye on her doorstep, Paige was over the moon. This, she thought, is what I have waited for all my life.
During the next few days, Nick and her got closer and closer and one week after they’d met, he’d first called her his girlfriend. Their kisses were not exactly like the ones of two movie stars, but that didn’t matter. Nick made Paige laugh, feel wanted and be like herself again and that was all that counted.

For about two and a half months, he wrote her a script to her own perfect love story.

Paige’s favourite films usually ended at the point when things couldn’t get any better, but when she felt like she’d reached that point with Nick, life surely didn’t stop. It went on, Autumn came, the seasons changed and so did Nick’s feelings for her. Deep down, Paige had already sensed that the way he looked at her wasn’t the same anymore, that his mind was elsewhere when they were together and that their bond wasn’t as strong as it used to be, but it still came as a shock when he told her he had fallen out of love as they were sitting next to each other on her bed one rainy Sunday afternoon.
He said he was sorry. He said he had been trying to make the feelings come back, but couldn’t. He said he didn’t want to lose her. But when he saw the hurt in her eyes as she looked at him, searching for a reason why everything had gone wrong, he knew that he already had.

It was three months since the breakup and Paige was still thinking of Nick every day. She still went to the cinema every Saturday and on Wednesdays if she had some time and money left, but she watched the films with different eyes now.
She hadn’t given up on love, not at all, she still held on to the thought of it as much as she had done before. But when she walked past the seafront one afternoon on her way home and stopped for a minute to watch the waves crash against the seashore as she had done with Nick on their first evening together, she became aware that it was not all there was to being alive. Loving and being loved in return might be one of the most wonderful things in the world, she thought to herself, but so is looking at the sea.
For the first time after losing Nick, she thought of the future and felt anticipation well up inside her. There was still so much to do, so many places to visit, so many people to meet, so many dreams to chase. With or without him.
She would take her GCSEs this year, go to college, maybe study direction at uni afterwards and perhaps, in a few years time, she would be making her own movies and create her own love stories. Not only stories about people falling in love with each other, but also about people falling in love with themselves.
She once again took in the beauty of the ocean and smiled to herself before she continued to walk along the shore. That was when she realised she didn’t need anyone to complete her. It was just her, the waves and the fresh, cold air surrounding her, and, in that moment, that was enough. She felt whole.

The End.

Albums That Changed My Life

Hi everyone! It’s been a while since I last posted on here which is mainly because I’m in the middle of A-Level exams and busy pretending to study, but I just got a notification saying that it’s my blog’s first anniversary today which reminded me how much I’ve actually missed writing blogposts.

A few days ago, I was looking through my Youtube subscription box and came across Emma Blackery’s “Albums That Changed My Life” video, which I found so interesting and entertaining to watch that I immediately thought of doing something similar in a written form on here. I originally only wanted to choose 5 albums, but I’m a nightmare at making decisions, so I might have gone a little overboard. But at least there’s gonna be something for everyone’s taste now, innit?

 

“+” by Ed Sheeran

81Nga9IJojL._SL1425_I’m not even exaggerating when I’m saying that this album made me fall in love with music. Of course, I’d always enjoyed listening to music on the radio and had even bought some CDs of my own, but I suppose when I started listening to Ed Sheeran at the age of 13, that was the first time I truly felt it.

This album still feels like home to me and even though I’ve listened to it so often that I should be hating it at this point, it’s probably still my favourite one of all time.

Favourite songs: Wake Me Up (that one will never fail to make me cry), Drunk

Favourite lyrics: “Be a true heart, not a follower”

 

 

“Night Visions” by Imagine Dragons

night-visionsActually, I don’t even listen to this one that much anymore, but since I still know the words to every single song, it wouldn’t have felt right to leave it out.

Also, Imagine Dragons were one of the first bands I saw live and their concert was definitely the one that got me into going to gigs more often. You should really go to one of their shows if you have the chance to, they’re absolutely brilliant on stage!

Favourite song: Demons

Favourite lyrics: “It’s time to begin, isn’t it? /  I get a little bit bigger but then I’ll admit / I’m just the same as I was / Don’t you understand? / I’m never changing who I am”

 

“American Idiot” by Green Day

57457a72ce9e2072e81e5bbccf45cbf9ccae3a31This one I had to mention because I listened to it ages before I even properly got into punk and rock at all.

It’s not only a masterpiece, but also an absolute classic that I feel like everyone should’ve listened to at least once in their life. In fact, if you haven’t, go listen to it now, you won’t regret it!

Favourite songs: Holiday/ Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Wake Me Up When September Ends

Favourite lyrics: “My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me / My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating / Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me / ‘Til then I walk alone”

 

“Homesick” by A Day To Remember

AdaytorememberHOMESICKSince I already left doodles of the “American Idiot” album cover literally everywhere I went, it was only a matter of time till I started getting into some more punk rock music.

However, I didn’t stick with the “typical” stuff so to say. At 14, after having read about them on twitter, I decided to check out a band called “A Day To Remember” and as soon as I clicked play, I knew this was exactly what I’d been looking for all my life. And this is how the never-ending love story of pop punk and me began.

Favourite songs: Have Faith In Me, If It Means A Lot To You (Shoutout to Mia if you’re reading this, I’ll always remember (pun intended) our holiday in Turkey when we wouldn’t stop listening to this song for days. Love you!! xx)

Favourite lyrics: “I’m holding on to a fairytale / We’re moving forward but we’re not there yet”

 

“Dirty Work” by All Time Low

tumblr_nfu4kvSeVJ1u2bwjoo1_500Even though I didn’t really listen to anything but ADTR for a few months, convinced my parents to let me go to their concert (I embarrassingly cried so much about not being able to see them live that they felt sorry for me and eventually allowed me to go. However, I understood why they’d been reluctant about it as soon as the concert started as I nearly got squeezed to death by some ridiculously tall and muscular punks, but it was more than worth it nevertheless!), and refused to wear anything but ripped jeans and their tour shirt for half an eternity, I eventually wanted to check out some more bands.

This was around the time I got more active on tumblr, where I first heard about All Time Low. Ever since I ordered “Dirty Work” off of Amazon with my last 8 Euros and first put it into my CD-player, this band has been one of my absolute favourites. I even got the chance to see them at a signing where I awkwardly high-fived Jack and forgot how to speak when Alex asked me a question, and go to one of their gigs, which was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Favourite songs: Do You Want Me (Dead?), A Daydream Away

Favourite lyrics: “You’re just a daydream away / Wouldn’t know what to say / If I had you”

 

“Infinity On High” by Fall Out Boy

prev-9SyOdYSaebENot long after that, I was having a look around my favourite record store like nearly every Saturday, when a kind of weird looking CD caught my eye. It was one of those double CDs that include two albums and since it was cheap and the band name reminded me of the Simpsons, I went for it.

Soon I found myself listening to both albums all day long (I like them equally, the reason I chose “Infinity On High” for this is that I still can’t pronounce “Folie a Deux” properly. And the cover looks really fab.) and it didn’t take long till I found out about the rest of the holy trinity and became full on emo trash. No regrets though.

Favourite song: Don’t You know Who I Think I Am?

Favourite lyrics: “Baby, seasons change but people don’t”

 

“The 1975” by The 1975

The_1975_(album)_by_The_1975While I was still discovering more pop punk bands such as Paramore, Mayday Parade, Blink-182, You Me At Six, BMTH and so on, I also started to get into some alternative music.

To be honest, I was sort of confused when I first listened to The 1975 because their sound was so different from what I was used to, but after a few more listens, I was hooked. Even though I’m currently playing their new album on repeat, their debut album will always remain one of my faves and I’m pretty sure I’ll be forcing my children and grandchildren to listen to it if I ever have any.

Favourite songs: Robbers, Sex

Favourite lyrics: “It’s just you and I tonight / Why don’t you figure my heart out?”

 

“The Fray” by The Fray

Thefrayst2Aaaand another amazing self-titled album! This one has a very special place in my heart and reminds me of spring air, sitting on top of a hill, poetry, a light shade of blue and the smell of freshly cut grass. It somehow almost always manages to make me feel super calm and has the best songs to listen to when you feel stressed and need something to help you relax.

Favourite songs: You Found Me, Syndicate

Favourite lyrics: “Happiness feels a lot like sorrow / Let it be, you can’t make it come or go / But you are gone – not for good but for now / And gone for now feels a lot like gone for good”

 

“Chaos and the Calm” by James Bay

JB_CATC_Cover_PRINT-ONLY_FINALJames Bay is one of those artists that are doing what they’re doing with an incredible passion which I feel like you can always tell when listening to their music.
Therefore, I instantly fell in love with his songs when hearing his EPs, listened to them over and over again and even made a countdown till the day his album came out. And as soon as it did, I was obsessed with it.

A few months later, I also went to see him live at a very small gig at a record store, bawled my eyes out when he played “Let It Go” and still made him laugh about one of my horrible jokes afterwards (“Oh James, you’re always making us cry! It’s like we can’t hold back the river!”), which is certainly a memory I’ll never forget.

Favourite songs: If You Ever Wanna Be In Love, Let It Go

Favourite lyric: “I need the sun to break, you’ve woken up my heart / I’m shaking, all my luck could change / Been in the dark for weeks and I’ve realized you’re all I need”

 

“Blurryface” by Twenty One Pilots

unknown.pngOn to a slightly different genre now: Twenty One Pilots are another band I only found out about thanks to the wonderful world of tumblr and, once again, I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

Emma also mentioned this album in her video and explained that it has changed her perspective on music in some way which I feel like sums it up pretty well.

What makes this band so special is probably that they don’t only have the most extraordinary sound, but their songs also have the most thoughtful and amazing lyrics. Basically, they combine two of my favourite things on earth: music and poetry. What’s there not to love?

(I actually just came up with a brilliant pun about this, here goes: One of the albums I love most in the world is the most recent one by Twenty One Pilots – it’s my Blurryfave!)

Favourite songs: We Don’t Believe What’s On TV, Heavydirtysoul

Favourite lyric: “The songs on the radio are okay / But my taste in music is your face”, “I don’t care what’s in your hair / I just wanna know what’s on your mind / I used to say I wanna die before I’m old / But because of you I might think twice” (I had to choose two, there’s no way I could’ve decided on one, soz)

 

“Blue Neighbourhood” by Troye Sivan

unknown 2I’ve watched Troye on Youtube for ages, so I was obviously very excited for his new music, but this album honestly blew me away.

Everything fits together so perfectly and although the songs are all great individually, listening to the album as a whole is an even more incredible experience because if you really pay attention to the music, it literally makes you forget about your own reality and get lost in Troye’s world.

Favourite songs: Youth, Heaven, for him.

Favourite lyrics: “You make my heart shake, bend and break but I can’t turn away / And it’s driving me wild”

 

“Rumours” by Fleetwood Mac

unknownIt’s a bit ironical that the two albums I’ve only grown to love quite recently are actually the oldest ones on this list, but the thing is, I used to hate music from the 60s, 70s and 80s when I was younger. I have no idea where that hatred came from, but it went as far as me covering my ears whenever my parents put on their older music, so if my past self would know that I’m now just as much into that kind of music as my parents are, it’d probably be absolutely gobsmacked.

Anyways, the reason I got into Fleetwood Mac is essentially cause I was reminded that they, alongside with the Stones and The Beatles, are Harry Styles’ favourite band. Since Harry always seems to know what’s good, I picked up “Rumours” the next time I went to my local record store and was immediately amazed by how good it is. I actually love it so much that I’ve been scribbling Fleetwood Mac lyrics on every surface I can find and would even go as far as saying that “Rumours” is in my top three albums of all time. And that’s saying something.

Favourite songs: Songbird, Dreams, Go Your Own Way

Favourite lyrics: “And I wish you all the love in the world / But most of all, I wish it from myself. / And the songbirds keep singing, / Like they know the score, / And I love you, I love you, I love you, / Like never before”

 

“Abbey Road” by The Beatles

unknown 3.jpgDespite having liked the Beatles for quite a long time, I’ve only started to be really obsessed with their music a few weeks ago. Nevertheless, I couldn’t resist to add them to the list because “Abbey Road” is honestly all I’ve been listening to for days now.
This album is perfect from start to finish and should frankly be in everyone’s CD collection. Apart from that, I can’t stop thinking about the fact that Ringo Starr only ever wrote one single Beatles song and decided he wanted to sing about an octopus. If that isn’t brilliant, I don’t know what is.

Favourite songs: Octopus’s Garden, Here Comes The Sun

Favourite lyrics: “In an octopus’ garden near a cave / We would sing and dance around / Because we know we can’t be found”

 

I suppose that’s it from me then, although I could probably go on for about 50 more pages if I listed all my favourites. However, I’d love to hear which albums you think influenced your music taste the most, so do let me know in the comments if you like! I hope you’re having a lovely time and listen to lots of great music today xx